Fifth offender: The Nicorette Gag Break

Picture the scene. 

Two lads outside the pub. It's dark. 

Like real men, they're nicely oiled up after a night on the foreign lager.

The smoking zone, where the fellas are hanging out, is fertile ground for banter.

Except - with the help of Nicorette, of course - they've kicked the habit.

Quite why they're standing there, then, is anyone's guess.

But they're bantering their hearts out. 

Well done Nicorette: with gags like this, they're the sort of men we all aspire to be.

"I caught up with an old girlfriend the other day," lad one guffaws.

"I knew she'd slow down eventually!"

So there you have it. Use Nicorette - and sound like a rapist.

Another dismal effort from ad land.

Fourth offender: IT firm Civica

Banter. The pinnacle of lad chat.

Witty, clever and cutting. Jovial remarks about spouses, attire and footy all qualify.

So what could the comedians at IT hotshots Civica muster about ex-manager Vinod Rajdev?

Come on, Civica. This one's an open goal. 

It must have been his glasses? No.

His terrible cheap suit? Er, No.

Oh dear. The poorly executed Windsor knot, perhaps? Sadly not.

Overlooking his obvious material shortcomings, Vinod's hilarious pals just dubbed him "Osama Bin Laden".

The jokers even doctored up pictures of them sitting in a cave together.

(Which means, strictly speaking, they should have been calling him Ayman al-Zawahiri – but that's a confusing insult regardless of how well you know Al-Qaeda's leadership structure.)

And when Vinod tried to sue? That's right: "It was just office banter.

"He even joined in jokes that he was an Al-Qaeda leader."

So that's alright then.

Third offenders: Dave and Cobra

Something strange happened to UK Gold last year.

They axed Birds of a Feather. They cut 2 point 4 Children. They put James May on the telly.

Then, overnight, the much-loved satellite channel (okay: barely-noticed satellite channel) became Dave.

And it wasn't just Dave. It morphed into Dave: The Home of Witty Banter.

Except, of course, it's not.

For starters, shows are scripted. Not witty.

And the presenters aren't talking to you. Not banter.

And tomorrow morning, they're showing Ray Mears' Bushcraft. Not witty. Not banter.

But the TV station is just the beginning. The Dave website promises real banter: that is, guarded postings between anonymous bloggers.

Hosting the orgy of banter are their corporate pals Cobra.

They promise there's always something worth talking about - and perhaps they're right.

Because judging by the total number of page comments, it seems like Dave readers are nowhere near their computers.

Second offender: Ladbrokes

What's this then, eh? Workmen in the caff? Sharing in good, honest chit chat no doubt.

Setting the world to rights. All over a cup of...

Nope, hang about, my mistake.

It's just Ally McCoist, Ian Wright, Chris Kamara and Lee Dixon.

They're footballers. It's all a lie.

There's some logic behind McCoist, Wright and Kamara.

Chatty, matey and blokey, they deal in nicknames and razor-sharp put downs ("Trust me on this one McCoisty","Not with those trousers Wrighty!").

But Lee Dixon? Had Ladbrokes never seen him on Match of the Day?

They'd have been better off asking Jay Leno to join in. He is on the neighbouring table after all.

Expect much, much more from the Ladbrokes forced banter factory.

First offender: Facebook

Facebook has done more than anyone to encourage the spread of forced banter.

Their status updates - and the ability to post witty one-line replies - is tricking the world into making pithy put-downs.

Take the wall-to-wall.

Exchanging cheeky remarks seems harmless enough. But cast your eyes up to the web address, and Argh!

There it is.

Users are being goaded into forced banter against their knowledge. The evil continues.

Banter Watch: it begins

Make no mistake: forced banter is a growing menace. 

Sly ad companies have adopted the age old practice of man chat and turned it into a souless corporate tool. 

Time was, gents could comment on the quality of each other's felt caps without a sinister commercial undertone. 

But now, across the UK, fellas are being suckered in to insincere verbal jousting. 

Rail against it HERE.